16 August–13 September
Since childhood, August has been a time of anxiety. That first back-to-school commercial used to make my stomach clench with dread. Now that I’m an adult working for the school district, I still have summer breaks and back-to-school anxiety.
My relationship with Netflix began the summer before I entered graduate school. I chose the cheapest plan: one DVD at a time with unlimited streaming. I waited for my red envelope and I watched a lot of documentaries. My deeply conflicted feelings about attending grad school grabbed hold of me in the form of a permanent stomach ache. That summer was also the first time I threw up because of neck tension, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. Looking back at my goodreads account from 2008, I see that I read twenty-two books from June to August. Mostly young adult books, fast and easy. Then, from mid-August through September, as my first quarter loomed closer, I did not finish any books. (For the record, I didn’t finish graduate school, either.) I can tell you what I was doing. I was employing my annual, less-than-healthy coping strategy that I have since dubbed “Doing nothing as hard as I can.” Introverts already excel at staying in and reading and watching Netflix. But this coping strategy takes it to another level.
Every August, I can’t concentrate enough to finish a book. It’s too hot to go outside, even if I wanted to. I stay in and I watch things. Time moves slower if I don’t move, right? I can hold the future off if I just stay put, right here, on this bed. With snacks. Rational me knows what I could be doing instead that may indeed help me feel better. Emotional me refuses. So I do nothing. As hard as I can.
This year, well this year is 2020, and I don’t need to tell anyone what it’s been doing to our levels of stress and anxiety. Today is Sunday, and the last time I left the house was on Monday for OT and PT, for which I walked through unhealthy air under an orange sky.
Typically, I tend not to put on my ExoSyms on Saturdays because you can’t lie in bed all day and comfortably watch Netflix / hulu / whatever with ExoSyms on. Even if I wanted to keep them on for lounging, it’s impossible to walk in them unless I have shoes on with the heel lifts in them, and I’m not lying on my bed with shoes on.
Now that days of the week have lost their meaning, stress levels are high, and it really is annual August doldrums time, every day is a lounge day. I let myself not put on my Exos for consecutive days. My physical therapy journal has blank spots for days at time, because I don’t want to document that I didn’t put them on, that I barely did any stretching or strengthening. I feel equal parts defiantly fine that I’m going easy on myself and frustrated that I’m not pulling myself together. One part says, “For pete’s sake, get up and walk around the house in your ExoSyms at least.” The other part answers, “Nope. I will get up. But only to make more brownie batter.” Have I crossed the line between self-care and self-indulgence? Maybe.
Distance learning isn’t helping. My school officially started on August 26th. But because I didn’t have to get up and go anywhere, I didn’t. I don’t have to be dressed and out the door with a lunch packed, walk a mile, and arrive at work on time. I am still in my house, still feeling like I’m deep in my August doldrums.
I am nowhere near ready to wear my Exos to in-person school, had that been happening this year, even just around the campus. Never mind getting there and home, be it via walking or busing. Here’s the most recent video documentation, from August 28th. I haven’t even filmed an update these past two weeks.
I know that I’d have made more progress had internal and external factors been different. But there are always bumps in the road. Progress is never a given. Bad days are. Life is not a montage.
I would love for this part of my ExoSym journey to be a montage. From first steps to triumphant striding around without poles in the space of one upbeat song. Instead, this anxious introvert with a preference for a sedentary lifestyle even in the best of circumstances is having a tough time.
Back in June, during training week at Hanger, I felt like I needed to experience a fall in my Exos, know what it’s like, get it over with. It was just a matter of time, an unknown certainty. Well, I had my first fall on September 2nd. I gotta say–it wasn’t good.
Anyone who falls regularly will tell you it’s infinitely preferable to fall forward than it is to fall backward. You can see where you’re going. You’ve got four points on which to distribute the impact (hands and knees), even if it’s not always evenly executed. And you usually have time to lean away from objects to protect your face/head. At least that’s been my experience. Falling backward, on the other hand, is just scary. You don’t know where you’re going to land, what you might hit. And your backside has to take the full brunt of the impact.
My first ExoSym fall, was, unfortunately, backward. I walked into my bedroom, closed the door, picked up my phone, and as I was turning back into the room, I lost my balance. Simple as that, with a near-simultaneous thud-crack of my body hitting the floor and my head making contact with the hard furniture behind me. Using the foot of the bed, I hauled myself to standing. I knew my bottom would have a bruise, and I was more worried about my head. It’s not an irrational fear of subdural hematomas when there are many stories like Natasha Richardson’s out there. I tied a cold pack around my head using a Theraband so I could still have my hands free to work. I was, technically, at work right then, even though it was already 11am, and I was only finally going to get started at that moment.
No subdural hematoma, but I guess I should have paid more attention to my backside. I’ve never injured my tailbone before now, but apparently that’s what I’ve done. It’s unpleasant. I wondered if having the ExoSyms on made the fall worse in some way. There’s no way of knowing, of course. Maybe it would have been worse without them. So take a guess, am I doing all my stretching and exercising, and putting on my ExoSyms to get weight shifting and walking practice in? No, no I am not. Do I at least feel like it’s getting better and I’ll be able to get back to it soon? No. It’s been eleven days and my tailbone still feels deeply bruised. My head still hurts if I press the injured spot.
What’s more, in the middle of writing this, I fell backward again. No Exos this time. I took a break from writing for a snack, got something out of the cupboard, turned, and lost my balance. Had enough time as I was trying to correct and regain balance to say, “Not again,” as I was going down. I did not hit my head on the cabinets, but I did land on my tailbone.
There’s a pattern here. I can remember one other fall like these two, and another one that was pretty similar. Each time, I was both turning and holding something in my right hand. Usually I would reach out and steady myself with my right hand, and turning means I’m already off balance, or the momentum is taking me off balance. Or I have my weight shifted back instead of forward. Or something. I feel like I should be able to make a learning experience out of this.
Maybe today’s twice-bruised tailbone is the universe’s way of telling me to put my damn ExoSyms back on; it wasn’t because of them. I will. Later.
What Happened to Your Legs? 